Why it pays to be fat

On this blog I tend to bitch a lot about my upbringing but I suppose the take home message is that everything that sucked when I was a kid has made me a better adult and as I develop as a man I have come to realize the benefits my childhood suffering has offered me.

Jelly Belly

I'll never forget the moment I realized I was fat. I as 10 years old in an after school day care center at my elementary school. I was bickering with some kid about a board game we were playing and at some point he called me a jelly belly. Now when you are a kid you are pretty clueless to the world around you, ie innocent. Up until this moment, I really hadn't paid any attention to my appearance relative to everyone else. However, after this, I began to develop serious feelings of self-conscienceness concerning my body. In the coming years I would experiment with diets, exercise, clothing choices, and athletics. In the end, it has been one interesting experience after another and 15 years after this moment, I am still self-conscience but I have come to realize the power that it has offered me.

Late Bloomer

I am definitely a late bloomer. I was socially awkward for a significant part of my life. I was over eager frequently, too hyper and just too over the top. As I developed, I learned to curb my behavior and channel it in ways that were socially beneficial both for me and my surroundings. Like my social development, my body also developed late. I was over weight from about 10 to about 17 at which point I really started to grow. When i was a sophomore in high school I was 5'4" and weighed about 150lbs. However, by the beginning of my senior year I sprung up to 6'2" but only gained 10-20lbs. My weight redistributed and my appearance was drastically different than a just few years before.

I was also a late bloomer when it came to women. Because I was socially and physically unhappy, I was not exactly a Don Juan. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 18 and my first really consistent girlfriend didn't come until I was 22. However, once I matured as a man, I really made up for lost time. My teenage social ineptitude was complemented by a vastly different experience in my 20's that I am still enjoying at 25. However, the point of all of this is the idea that all those years of suffering alone really taught me a lot of things that I use today. Being unwanted and alone for a decent portion of my life had the affect of really forcing me to work for what I want and to enjoy what I have once I get it. I rarely ever take anything for granted and when it comes to social situations I really enjoy being the friend that I never had. It has panned out very well for me in the sense that most people like me, which I think is because I know what it is like to be unliked and I never want people around me to feel that way. In any event, the bottom line is that I sucked at life early, but having a good memory and some patience has really paid off.

10 Year Reunion Woes

Being fat as a kid drilled one thing into my brain, don't be fat. My brother was a twig growing up and I was always frustrated that he could do whatever he wanted and not gain an ounce. His metabolism was vastly superior to mine and I was always jealous. However, one thing that being fat gives you (and skinny kids will never understand this) is the drive to stay in shape. When i was 16 I was fed up with being fat and I decided I was going to absolutely tear my body apart. I was going to run/workout every day and not quit until I was satisfied with my appearance (I'm still not in case you were curious). Nine years later I still see that fat kid in the mirror and despite the fact that this may seem a bit odd, it has really helped me stay motivated.

My brother on the other hand has not maintained his twig-like status. Like most folks that were skinny without effort, he packed on the Bud Light pounds and he is not what he used to be. He has the benefit of not caring and I envy him there, but he still isn't the physical specimen he once was and he cannot compete with me now. Just like many kids and athletes in high school that are in shape without much self-motivation, once your metabolism slows down or once your coaches are gone you really let go of yourself. I have seen that people really stop pushing their bodies once they don't have an immediate reward and they get fat. In the end, these people reassemble for their high school reunions and BAM, they look like shit. Well, maybe not shit, but they definitely look like they peaked early.

Fatty's Motivated

So I suppose what I am getting at is that I am glad that I was once a porker. Being so awkward and so afraid to bare my torso has really motivated me to take care of myself into adulthood. I used to eat fast food all the time as a kid and now I won't go near it. Some people pick up a Big Mac and say, "ehh I know this is bad for me but, fuck it". However, I see what I once was and those same feelings of self-loathing and fear come back to haunt me. I say no to grease and slop because I know where it goes. Some folks let those pounds slowly creep up on them but they scare me to death and I will do anything to avoid them.

Likewise with working out. A lot of people go gym membership to gym membership and really have a hard time staying consistent with their workout regiment. Now the only reason why they do this is because they are not motivated to change. Their current comfort, is better than their future comfort with some suffering involved. They are complacent and despite fledgling statements of frustration and self-dissatisfaction, they really don't do anything about it. However, with a decade of fatness in my past and years of sweat and jogging under my belt, I have earned the body I have today and I'll be damned if I am going to lose it. I am not exactly happy with my appearance but things could be worse. I have made serious progress over the last 9 years and I am in the best shape of my life. However, I always know that every time I skip the gym or pass up an opportunity to sweat, I know that is one day that "Fatness" won. All my work means nothing if I don't stick to my workouts because every pound I have worked off can come right back.

This is something that may seem a bit intense or even unhealthy, but it keeps me motivated. I get up every morning with a schedule in mind and more often than not I find some time during the day to suffer. I strive to put my body through hell on a constant basis because that is the only way I will keep/get the physical form that I want. It may take the rest of my life to get there but in keeping the engine burning, in staying unsatisfied, I have the ability to keep it up, to keep going and when everyone else becomes complacent, I will be resilient.

Closing Thoughts

I suppose this goes out there to all the fat kids. I play a sport and most of the people I come across in Ultimate have never had to deal with these things first hand. They were child athletes and have always been in good shape. In addition, they, like me, want to keep it up in adulthood and in competing in a club sport, we all keep our bodies fit.

In the end, everything comes down to motivation. No one works or studies, or does anything on a whim. The best accomplishments are achieved only when a person is consistently motivated. The real problem is how to become motivated. Kids with no work ethic, over weight adults with no drive, people that just don't care enough to work hard, are all people lacking motivation. So how did I succeed where these people failed? Be afraid. Human beings definitely have stronger emotions when it comes to fear than happiness. People feel more afraid of something bad, then they feel happy about something good. With that in mind, one cannot motivate themselves (to workout) based on what they want to become, but on what they DON'T want to be. Focusing on getting rid of what you don't want and fearing what you are is a far greater stimulus than wanting to look good or to be well built. This has the effect of never being satisfied, never being content because you can always go back to what you were. That fear is what motivates me and it has worked for roughly a decade.

I suppose I should say something like, I hope most of you never have to deal with this, but in the end, if you are/were a fat kid, like me, and you get something out of it, you will work the rest of your life to stay in shape. You know what you want and more importantly what you don't want and that motivation will keep you moving throughout your life. Maybe being a kid sucked, but being an adult will be better. You'll never slip because those crucial 10 years between 10 and 20 make you what you are the rest of your life and if they are riddled with frustration, like they were with me, you will spend your life working to overcome it. However, for those without such suffering, they won't know what they have until its gone and once its gone, they will not have the motivation to get it back.

Stay strong jelly bellies out there. I was one of you. Hold onto the fear, hold onto the frustration, the bad memories. They will keep you motivated when you're older and when you are fit and appealing for the last 60 years of your life, you can point and laugh at the skinny people that got fat and died young because they were handed something when you had to earn it.

just my thoughts

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