Life is Meaningless, just try and get....

...whatever it is you want. For me it's science, ultimate, and asians, but hey, thats just me.

I recently was watching this thing on 60 minutes about genotyping and companies that may or may not be giving people a legitimate idea of what their genetic makeup is and what similarity they share with people throughout the world.

What I found interesting about it, was the fact that the people involved had such a sense of euphoria (for lack of a better word) in realizing that there was someone out there that they shared a genetic identity with. They seemed so surprised like god had touched them with his finger of creation and gave them some gift of enlightenment. However, as a scientist, I am already convinced that we all share genetic material from people around the world, mainly because we all came from more or less the same crop of organisms.

I know that this will go against a lot of religious beliefs and truth be told, i think if people get some kind of meaning from this information, than good for them. However, in my opinion, the identity of this planet and everything on it, is purely a matter of chance. The universe and the amount of time that is involved in its creation/development is so far beyond the scope of human beings. With that being said, we cannot understand that in this universe the probability of random arrangement of molecules forming our planet and its constituents is just as likely as a black hole, a brilliant super nova, or, in most cases, empty space. The fact that this planet is even here is more or less like being struck by lightning or winning the lottery. It's a 1 in a million gagillion shot.

The reason why I think people have issues understanding this is because they are so focused on the top half of the fraction, as opposed to the bottom. We think we are the 1, we are the most valuable, precious material on this earth or in this universe. However, we don't realize that we are actually just 1 in a sea of unimportant numbers. The water particles on some comet orbiting another galaxy are made up of the same initial startup components as we are and there is as much meaning in them as there is in us.

We are just the lucky lottery winners. There is no rhyme or reason to our existence, no purpose. Just like any person that gets struck by lightning or finds a hundred dollar bill on the street, we were just lucky.

Where things really matter is what we do with our time here. If a person wins the lottery, would they spend all their money trying to understand how they won in the first place? Would they attempt to find meaning in their winnings? I would hope not, simply because it would be a waste of time and energy. In my opinion, the best course of action would be to enjoy the money while it lasts.

The transition to life is fairly simple when you look at things in this manner. We as human beings (rich or poor, tall or short, fat or skinny) are in the 0.00000001% field, much like lottery winners, and should be happy that we are even here at all. The other 99.999999% of the carbon, oxygen and hydrogen atoms in the universe failed to manifest in a manner that precipitated life, ie they were the many that lost out.

I suppose there are people that need meaning, that need to think that there is some underlying purpose to why we are here. However, after a decade of higher education, I have found that the true purpose of life is the same for humans as it is for any other organism on the planet. Breed, do what you can to not get eaten, and try and fill the hours with stuff that is entertaining.

I think people tend to take themselves too seriously and we as people definitely do this as a whole. We are self-aware so we think we have some inherent purpose on this earth, but in all seriousness we have the same worth as a rock or a tree. The task then becomes, not what does life mean, but what does life mean to you. People are so consumed with expectations (external or internal) that they begin to think that there is some sort of operating manual for the human experience. However, in reality, you are as unique as it gets and the best way to live (in my opinion) is to simply enjoy the limited amount of time you have on this earth.

With that being said, things like money and materialism are really the evils of our world. People want to convince you that money and commodities matter because odds are they have a vested interest in your spending. Companies that market products want you to buy them so that they can have revenue. Yes their product might offer you something but in the end, you are giving them something back.

The reason I bother to bring this up is that people should always make informed decisions. Do you really want an iPod or do you just think you do? Do you really want a BMW or do you just think you do? I know that there are the gadget kids out there that want all the toys, but I find it really sad when people feel intense pressure to look or act a certain way, when in reality, life is to short to try and be someone/thing you aren't.

The bottom line is that there is no perfect way to live, there is no ideal existence. There is only what you have, based on the choices you make. In addition, failure is also a subjective term. If you can't reach a goal you have set for yourself, despite your efforts, it doesn't mean you are a failure. I have recently had to deal with this kind of thinking as a scientist with people putting pressure on me to become what they are in the scientific community, but truth be told, I just want to do what I want to do. I love to write and talk and teach and maybe I don't want to be a professor at a major university which means I'm not going to make the sacrifices to even try, it just isn't what I want.

I for one want to live the most bad ass life possible and I don't need/want anyone telling me how I should live my life. I know that there is no big plan or reason why I am here. I am not here to figure out how I got here. I am here to enjoy the time I have and I suppose I find it funny when people search for meaning when in reality, they are wasting the time god/the universe has given them.

just my thoughts

match unleaded

Ignorance is Bliss

Its funny, I saw this movie, Renaissance Man, with Danny Devito and in the movie one of the characters says, "he who increases knowledge, increases sorrow".  This is a biblical quote from Ecclesiastes 1:18, and as I have gotten older I have realized how very true it is.

The World Sucks

I suppose the easiest way to start things is by looking at the world through an educated person's mind.  An educated person usually is out to find a place for themselves.  They want to do something that is unique, something that only they can offer.  Maybe they are successful, maybe they aren't but the goal is still the same.

However, in order to achieve this, you have to be able to detect weakness, you have to be able to look at your environment and see where it could be improved, hopefully by you.  Now this is great if you are a scientist, like myself, because you can look at the research that has been done and you can look for answers that have yet to be uncovered.  The more skeptical and picky you are, the better your science will be because it will be difficult to dispute.

The problem comes when you are off the clock, or simply thinking about anything else besides your work.  Those same gears that you apply to your work are automatically applied to everything else in your life.  Maybe you don't have the motivation to correct weakness in everything around you, but that doesn't mean you don't pick up on it.  This is where being intelligent sucks.  I think that I am more intelligent than your average person and I can say that while it is nice to be able to think critically, it gets to be burden.  Once cannot help but see weakness everywhere and what's worse is for the most part there isn't a whole lot you can do about it.

Gas prices, inflation, politics, crime, etc..  The smarter you are the more you realize that a lot of these things are extremely complicated and the more you know the more you realize how feudal they can be.  This can come as a major source of frustration, because in the work place all you do is think about ways of solving problems so when you get to one you cannot solve, it becomes such a conflicting experience.  

In addition, you're mind begins to turn on you.  For less academic people, just "letting it go" or "getting past it" is easy.  You just don't think about it.  However, for me, thinking is all I do.  It is what I am good at.  I refuse to "let things go" because in the work place, it is my job to think it out and giving up is quitting and I just can't do it.

Insanity

After a few years of grad school, I have begun to sympathize with John Nash, the dude from Beautiful Mind.  I feel like most people can't understand his situation, not because they aren't smart but because their livelihood does not revolve around thinking.  For a lot of people their job is "to do".  Sell something, teach something, manage something.  However, for academic people, it is purely to think.  Focus on a problem and figure out the most intelligent way of solving it.  This may seem like the way to go, but it can be hell.

In addition to the frustration I mentioned previously, when thinking critically about work, it is difficult to not think about life in the same way.  This is where I think Obsessive Compulsive Disorder comes from.  When I think critically, I think of the best way to do something.  Now for somethings, doing it the most intelligent way is useful, say picking a house or job.  However, for other things, simply making a choice is all that is necessary.  Like with what food to eat or what to wear.  For all intents and purposes, it doesn't matter all that much but for me it is sometimes difficult to NOT over analyze, because that is what I get paid to do.  I have think each choice out carefully which can irritate those around me or potentially freeze my activity which is not a good thing.

Distractions also pose a huge problem with very intelligent people.  Telephones, other people, anything that disrupts your train of thought can be extremely agitating.  For me, as I develop mentally, I tend to forget where to draw the line with what is or is not important.  I find myself getting all worked up over very dumb things, simply because they don't work out the way I want or they detract me from something I want.  I suppose this is more or less a second level of immaturity and I have begun to understand that.  Recently I have been dating a woman who has a regular job with regular problems and her difficulties with her bosses are not unlike most other people.  However, as I have spent time with her, her work issues (which she gets over quickly) frustrate me so much.  She has to deal with so much inconsistency, contradictions, and hypocrisy and it drives me fucking crazy.  Sometimes I wish I could just forget about it.

I suppose my biggest fear is going insane.  My mind is so powerful that in reality it could take over my body.  I feel like I can think my way through anything and when I cannot I get so incredibly frustrated.  If there is some outside variable which I cannot control, say the weather, or another person, or a child, and it does not respond the way I want, I lose it.  I like to think things through completely and when they don't pan out, I don't understand and I feel dumb.  I shouldn't feel this way because there will always be things outside my control, but when those situations come, yikes.  I suppose I fear that the more they pile up or the more I come across them, I will have to come to a simple choice.  Fixate on it, or let it go.  As I have gotten older I have learned to let somethings go, but being a grad student has also made me impatient in different ways.  I spend so much time focusing on my own life (because I have to or i'll fail out) that it is hard for me to relate to others sometimes, or even be patient with them.  When they do not see things the way I do or they respond to me in a way I cannot rationalize, I get angry.  I wish I didn't but I do.  If I didn't, I would not have made it this far in my academic life.

Sports

As an athlete and now a writer, I have also come to realize that in sports, like everything else, ignorance is bliss.  Take a professional athlete like Kobe, or Lebron, or David Ortiz.  Lets say they hit a game winning shot or homerun.  The crowd goes wild, the reporter shoves a microphone in their face and what kind of answer do you get?  "I got an open look and took it" or "I got a pitch to hit".  Usually the reporter is aiming for some kind of emotional response to give to his/her readers but in reality, these athletes are not perceiving the game the way the fans are.  They just don't think about the pressure.  This is a skill I wish I had.  I play a sport and when I do, I want to play it the best way I can.  However, I cannot help but think that some of my mistakes come simply because my head got in the way.  Coaches tell their players "don't think, just execute" and this makes sense.  As athletes (and even soldiers) we are more or less trying to be machines. We are trying to do something the way we have a million times, without screwing up, just the way a machine would.  Thinking is not required and therefore only acts as a distraction and a potential problem. 

This is where I struggle.  If there is pressure, I feel it.  My analytical mind plays scenarios in my head.  What could go right, what could wrong., how much is at stake, the works.  This is dangerous thinking, but it is who I am.  Its like being tall.  Yes, it is awesome to be tall when you are playing sports, or meeting women, but when you are traveling it sucks ass.  You can't pick and chose when you are tall however, and are stuck with the cards you've been dealt.  Likewise with my brain, i am stuck thinking about everything in its entirety.  Sometimes, I wish I didn't but hey, I don't get to make that choice.

The Solution

In my opinion the solution comes with a compliment.  Finding a mate that fits his/her strengths/weaknesses with another's strengths/weaknesses is ideal.  I find it hilarious when people talk about what every guy wants or what every girl wants because it is such a ridiculous statement.  For starters, it doesn't matter what everyone else wants, it matters, what I want.  And secondly, everyone is SO different that they must want different things, right?

In any event, I have come to realize that I want a secretary.  I need a woman that can help me navigate my bullshit.  Some people would assume I want to date a scientist like myself and I could not disagree more.  I don't want to date someone like me, I am crazy.  I need a sane person to keep me in check.  To ease my mental strain when life throws me curve balls.  Yes I am smart, dependable, and entertaining, but the little things give me so much trouble.  People say Einstein couldn't tie his shoes or didn't know his address, and I can understand why.  For someone who thinks for a living, a lot of these things become meaningless because everyone knows them or everyone can do them.  What makes a scientist valuable is their ability to be unique.  However, the problem comes in those inopportune moments when you need to know those mundane details and that is when your perfect mate really reveals his/her worth.  I am lucky to have a person that does this for me and I can imagine that as I emerge from Yale and go forward in life as a thinker, I will need her more and more.  I love her very much and thank god she's asian.

just my thoughts

match unleaded

A beach day In New England

Wow, this what an experience.  I recently went to the beach in Old Lyme, CT with my girlfriend and, holy crap, was it weird.  The east coast is so bizarre and I thought I would just give a run down on why.

West Coast Beach Experience

A day at the beach in Orange County or Malibu or Santa Monica mainly revolves around actually getting in the water.  Folks bring boogie boards, surfboards, fins, snorkels, the works.  And even if they don't go in with anything, they'll still body surf or something.  I will concede that some folks are just hanging and getting tanned but for the most part they are engaged in some sort of activity, whether it be in the water or tossing a football/frisbee around.

In addition, the demographics of these people are usually white and then some sort of minority, hispanic, black, or maybe asian.  Groups of each tend to be inter mixed unless they are families but for the most part there is a fairly decent mixture of people.  Not to say that southern california is a poster city for integration, because it isn't, but the ethnic divides are fairly blurry.  In addition, folks genuinely seem interested in themselves and what they are doing.  The surrounding population may have some relevance for "mate seeking" but more often than not, a beach trip involves some sort of purpose and groups tend to focus mainly on themselves, rather than folks around them, or at least that has been my experience.

East Coast Experience

Now, the reason I point these things out is that the east is so fucking different.  First off, there are soo many different kinds of white people and this makes sense.  If you look at the way the US has developed, the different ethnic populations congregated on the east coast from Europe.  Some of them got itchy feet and headed westward but, for the most part, the ones that stayed really stuck with their ethnic identity.  This is why I believe you have such large populations of Italians and Jews on the east coast and on the west its a lot harder to draw those lines.  White people out west are such a mix, probably because they all had babies as they headed westward and now its a giant melting pot.

In growing up in Southern California, I developed a fairly narrow view of what people were like, which makes sense, but in picking up and moving across the country, wow, are things different.  At the beach here, everyone looks the same.  It seemed like the major demographic was Italians and WOW, talk about some cliches.  First off, they all dress the same.  You have your buffed out males with their blown back hair.  They all have a cross around their necks (good catholic boys) and have dark sunglasses.  Lastly, they all have have tons of tribal tatooes which I find so ridiculous because if I were going to label my body, I wouldn't want something everyone else has.  Now I will concede that perhaps people all looked the same with their blonde hair and board shorts where I grew up, but man, these folks are so similar.  

As for the women, they are basically the same as well.  They all have tons of makeup on (at the beach?), they have really dark hair but light skin, which kinda looks weird, and they all have the same bikinis.  I think I saw at least a dozen women wearing zebra print bikinis.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  Are you guys trying to look alike?  It was so uncanny.  

And to sum it all up, no one was in the water.  it's like they all came just to be seen.  They layout and just sit there.  No one moves.  A few folks are tossing the football around or playing volleyball but 90% of the population is just soaking up the sun.  Oh and a bunch are smoking. SMOKING?!?!  At the beach?  Thats like drinking at work, in the sense that they were using a stimulant that seems to go in the opposite direction they want.  At the beach you are supposed to relax and all these people are sucking on cancer sticks.  It was sooo weird.

I suppose what makes things even weirder is that I have an italian roommate.  I get to see first hand how these folks think and I can't believe the conformity they follow.  Matt grew up in Philly and is half italian and he has no desire to live anywhere but the east and he wants to marry an Italian woman.  I find this so amazing because he has such a narrow view of the world.  He voluntarily blocks out several options and goes for what every other person like him goes for.  He even dresses like every other italian guy and works on his biceps in the same manner.  Not to say this is bad, because he genuinely wants this and knowing what you want is the best thing in the world.  But, I just don't understand it.

Conformity

I suppose it all comes down to being comfortable with who and what you are and a lot of these people have strong ethnic ties and I suppose thats a good thing.  I definitely think that out west people are more individualistic because their ethnicity is not nearly as prevalent.  I suppose that is why I am hell bent on being different from everyone else.  I hate the idea of being pigeon holed or being pegged as this kind of person or that.  I am a scientist but you've never guess if you hung out with me.  I'm also a social juggernaut which you couldn't tell from my career choice.  In the end I just want to be my own person, like none that has ever been (or that I've come across) and in looking at hoards of like minded people, I think my lucky stars that I am who I am.

In the end I guess this is what happens when you pack up and move across the country.  The east coast and the west are  basically different countries and I suppose the South, the Mid West, and Texas are just as different.  It's amazing how different our county is and while it might be advantageous in resources (ie farming, industry, etc..) but being so large definitely offers problems with culture clashes.  I am glad I moved all the way to New England because now I have a perspective on this country that is soo rare.  For the rest of my life I will be able to integrate cultural differences or at least appreciate the difference between my life and those around me.

just my thoughts

match unleaded

War and Sports

I was thinking the other day about sports and why they are so popular among men and I realized that sports are THE model for War.  Think about it, what do sports do?  They increase physical fitness, they teach strategy and muscle memory, they are extremely quantitative, and participants are always trying to determine a winner.

What got me thinking about this was when I asked myself the question, "why do people want to win so bad?"  Who gives a rat's ass?  Yeah you won, but peripheral to money or women, what is really the gain?  I say women here because I think men are much more competitive than women, sorry, just my opinion.

In any event, I realized that sports and games in general are a means of conditioning and training our mind to think critically in a competitive manner.  If you think about this evolutionarily (I know, I do this a lot, sorry) man has always competed with other men for resources, be it food, land, or women.  If you think about it, sports and games have been a safe way to compete and train for real battle.  Take any major sport, most professional athletes are ideal examples of soldiers, especially for historic war fare.  Take a beast of a man like Ray Lewis.  If you could pick any random person to fight a long side you in battle or protect you, wouldn't Ray Lewis be a perfect example?  He is aggressive, hungry and scary.  The parallel to a dark age warrior is not difficult to draw.  And I say dark age because now a days warfare has become a bit more complicated so for this example, ancient warfare is a better model.

Now lets take a close look at football (you could do this with any sport).  Each player serves a purpose.  A team (which could be a country's military) has to be organized into different groups to maximize utility and efficiency.  Certain people serve different roles and purposes.  Take a quarter back, a great leader or "colonel" on the field (the coach could be the general).  He is responsible for coordinating several participants in an offensive campaign towards victory.  Death and destruction isn't the goal but penetration into a team's territory is and eventual conquest of their endzone is the goal, which could be like getting across enemy lines and planting your flag/government.  Success is determined by a point total and at the end, whoever has the more points wins.  This is just like a war, but no one dies

Even the vocabulary is the same.  In sports and warfare we use words like weapons, penetrate, demoralize, contain, strategy, execute, etc...  I find this to be eerie but it makes a lot of sense.  Why would males have such an inherent urge to win.  It has nothing to do with the accolades that are offered because they are fleeting.  A superbowl ring gets forgotten and previous winners mean very little, just like previous battles.  If a country wins a great war, fantastic, but winning now means more.  Who gives a shit if you won in the past, if you lose now, you lose everything.

In essence, I think this is why competition is so strong in people and why they work so hard to win.  It isn't about enjoying the game, it isn't about money or fame, it is about defending your turf.  That is why fans exist, they are like civilians.  It is even easier to draw the similarity because people tend to root for their home team.  This makes sense because it's like rooting for your tribe's or country's army in battle, of course they would be your team.  If your team wins, your region is dominant and at least for the time being, you reign supreme.  Survival of the fittest.

I find this to be an interesting situation because it shows how people have evolved to develop their warfare abilities.  In addition, it's also interesting because despite our advancements as a species, we are still as primitive as ever.  We as humans have such an inherent drive to distinguish ourselves from one another and to organize into defendable units.  In looking at the world this way, it is easy to see that things like World Peace will never happen.  We are animals just like lions and fish and we will fight one another just for the piece of mind that we are the best.  We need to feel dominate and sports train us to do so, or at least are a way of exercising those tendencies without death and destruction.  I think that is why people stick at risk kids into sports programs.  It channels your anger and aggression into a useable medium.  

I suppose then, that the idea of "can't we all get a long" is not possible.  It would be like trying to convince the NBA to form one giant team that just practiced.  They would never do it.  Athletes are competitors that want to duke it out between one another and figure out who the best is.  We as fans want that as well.  We need to know who the best is because we need to know who to follow.  We need to know who is the alpha male.  That is why we have things like MVP's and Hall of Fames.  Just like museums that celebrate historical figures like George Washington, Ulysses S Grant, and FDR, we have shrines that celebrate great athletes.  They aren't much different than soldiers if you think about it.  

What's funny, is the parallels of fighting wars poorly and sports is very interesting.  Take the Vietnam War or Iraq.  Our campaign is like sending in a great athlete to compete in a different game, no wonder you aren't successful.  Imagine it as a tennis match.  Going into a tennis match with a basketball player against a Federer or Nadal would be pretty useless.  Even if its someone like Kobe Bryant or LeBron, athletes with amazing abilities in their sport, you are still going to get owned by an opponent who's playing a different game.  It's not that one athlete is better than the other, one is just good at a different game and if your opponent choses the game you have to attack them intelligently.  You can't go with your primary option (ie football or baseball or basketball), you have to go with theirs, if its on their home turf.  That is why invasion of far off countries rarely works.  As an aggressor, odds are you aren't going to play your opponents game better than they do, it's just not possible.  maybe some places play your game, but not everyone will and you better adapt or you are just wasting your time.

Anyway, those are just some thoughts on the subject.  Thought it was kind of interesting.

match unleaded  

Why it pays to be fat

On this blog I tend to bitch a lot about my upbringing but I suppose the take home message is that everything that sucked when I was a kid has made me a better adult and as I develop as a man I have come to realize the benefits my childhood suffering has offered me.

Jelly Belly

I'll never forget the moment I realized I was fat. I as 10 years old in an after school day care center at my elementary school. I was bickering with some kid about a board game we were playing and at some point he called me a jelly belly. Now when you are a kid you are pretty clueless to the world around you, ie innocent. Up until this moment, I really hadn't paid any attention to my appearance relative to everyone else. However, after this, I began to develop serious feelings of self-conscienceness concerning my body. In the coming years I would experiment with diets, exercise, clothing choices, and athletics. In the end, it has been one interesting experience after another and 15 years after this moment, I am still self-conscience but I have come to realize the power that it has offered me.

Late Bloomer

I am definitely a late bloomer. I was socially awkward for a significant part of my life. I was over eager frequently, too hyper and just too over the top. As I developed, I learned to curb my behavior and channel it in ways that were socially beneficial both for me and my surroundings. Like my social development, my body also developed late. I was over weight from about 10 to about 17 at which point I really started to grow. When i was a sophomore in high school I was 5'4" and weighed about 150lbs. However, by the beginning of my senior year I sprung up to 6'2" but only gained 10-20lbs. My weight redistributed and my appearance was drastically different than a just few years before.

I was also a late bloomer when it came to women. Because I was socially and physically unhappy, I was not exactly a Don Juan. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 18 and my first really consistent girlfriend didn't come until I was 22. However, once I matured as a man, I really made up for lost time. My teenage social ineptitude was complemented by a vastly different experience in my 20's that I am still enjoying at 25. However, the point of all of this is the idea that all those years of suffering alone really taught me a lot of things that I use today. Being unwanted and alone for a decent portion of my life had the affect of really forcing me to work for what I want and to enjoy what I have once I get it. I rarely ever take anything for granted and when it comes to social situations I really enjoy being the friend that I never had. It has panned out very well for me in the sense that most people like me, which I think is because I know what it is like to be unliked and I never want people around me to feel that way. In any event, the bottom line is that I sucked at life early, but having a good memory and some patience has really paid off.

10 Year Reunion Woes

Being fat as a kid drilled one thing into my brain, don't be fat. My brother was a twig growing up and I was always frustrated that he could do whatever he wanted and not gain an ounce. His metabolism was vastly superior to mine and I was always jealous. However, one thing that being fat gives you (and skinny kids will never understand this) is the drive to stay in shape. When i was 16 I was fed up with being fat and I decided I was going to absolutely tear my body apart. I was going to run/workout every day and not quit until I was satisfied with my appearance (I'm still not in case you were curious). Nine years later I still see that fat kid in the mirror and despite the fact that this may seem a bit odd, it has really helped me stay motivated.

My brother on the other hand has not maintained his twig-like status. Like most folks that were skinny without effort, he packed on the Bud Light pounds and he is not what he used to be. He has the benefit of not caring and I envy him there, but he still isn't the physical specimen he once was and he cannot compete with me now. Just like many kids and athletes in high school that are in shape without much self-motivation, once your metabolism slows down or once your coaches are gone you really let go of yourself. I have seen that people really stop pushing their bodies once they don't have an immediate reward and they get fat. In the end, these people reassemble for their high school reunions and BAM, they look like shit. Well, maybe not shit, but they definitely look like they peaked early.

Fatty's Motivated

So I suppose what I am getting at is that I am glad that I was once a porker. Being so awkward and so afraid to bare my torso has really motivated me to take care of myself into adulthood. I used to eat fast food all the time as a kid and now I won't go near it. Some people pick up a Big Mac and say, "ehh I know this is bad for me but, fuck it". However, I see what I once was and those same feelings of self-loathing and fear come back to haunt me. I say no to grease and slop because I know where it goes. Some folks let those pounds slowly creep up on them but they scare me to death and I will do anything to avoid them.

Likewise with working out. A lot of people go gym membership to gym membership and really have a hard time staying consistent with their workout regiment. Now the only reason why they do this is because they are not motivated to change. Their current comfort, is better than their future comfort with some suffering involved. They are complacent and despite fledgling statements of frustration and self-dissatisfaction, they really don't do anything about it. However, with a decade of fatness in my past and years of sweat and jogging under my belt, I have earned the body I have today and I'll be damned if I am going to lose it. I am not exactly happy with my appearance but things could be worse. I have made serious progress over the last 9 years and I am in the best shape of my life. However, I always know that every time I skip the gym or pass up an opportunity to sweat, I know that is one day that "Fatness" won. All my work means nothing if I don't stick to my workouts because every pound I have worked off can come right back.

This is something that may seem a bit intense or even unhealthy, but it keeps me motivated. I get up every morning with a schedule in mind and more often than not I find some time during the day to suffer. I strive to put my body through hell on a constant basis because that is the only way I will keep/get the physical form that I want. It may take the rest of my life to get there but in keeping the engine burning, in staying unsatisfied, I have the ability to keep it up, to keep going and when everyone else becomes complacent, I will be resilient.

Closing Thoughts

I suppose this goes out there to all the fat kids. I play a sport and most of the people I come across in Ultimate have never had to deal with these things first hand. They were child athletes and have always been in good shape. In addition, they, like me, want to keep it up in adulthood and in competing in a club sport, we all keep our bodies fit.

In the end, everything comes down to motivation. No one works or studies, or does anything on a whim. The best accomplishments are achieved only when a person is consistently motivated. The real problem is how to become motivated. Kids with no work ethic, over weight adults with no drive, people that just don't care enough to work hard, are all people lacking motivation. So how did I succeed where these people failed? Be afraid. Human beings definitely have stronger emotions when it comes to fear than happiness. People feel more afraid of something bad, then they feel happy about something good. With that in mind, one cannot motivate themselves (to workout) based on what they want to become, but on what they DON'T want to be. Focusing on getting rid of what you don't want and fearing what you are is a far greater stimulus than wanting to look good or to be well built. This has the effect of never being satisfied, never being content because you can always go back to what you were. That fear is what motivates me and it has worked for roughly a decade.

I suppose I should say something like, I hope most of you never have to deal with this, but in the end, if you are/were a fat kid, like me, and you get something out of it, you will work the rest of your life to stay in shape. You know what you want and more importantly what you don't want and that motivation will keep you moving throughout your life. Maybe being a kid sucked, but being an adult will be better. You'll never slip because those crucial 10 years between 10 and 20 make you what you are the rest of your life and if they are riddled with frustration, like they were with me, you will spend your life working to overcome it. However, for those without such suffering, they won't know what they have until its gone and once its gone, they will not have the motivation to get it back.

Stay strong jelly bellies out there. I was one of you. Hold onto the fear, hold onto the frustration, the bad memories. They will keep you motivated when you're older and when you are fit and appealing for the last 60 years of your life, you can point and laugh at the skinny people that got fat and died young because they were handed something when you had to earn it.

just my thoughts

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