Rather than discuss the merits and shortcomings of social media, I thought I would take this opportunity to explain the meaning of #husbandorwife, a hashtag I have graffiti-ed all over social media for almost 2 years now.
For the bulk of our relationship, my beautiful and gracious wife has set the tone for our meals. She has exquisite taste in all things and the requisite talent to turn a kaleidoscope of ingredients and flavors into well balanced and delicious meals. As many competent people do, she took pride in her work and took pictures of her delightful meals and amassed hundreds of photographs on her iPhone 4. These pictures never made it to any sort of sharing platform and just collected dust on her phone's finite hard drive. Every so often she would have to clear space and I would always ask her, "What are you going to do with all of those pictures?" A smile and a shrug was all I would get in response.
What I should also mention about my wife is that she is an accomplished epidemiologist and was pursuing her PhD concurrent with her splendid sorcery in the kitchen (among other places, re: gardening, photography, knitting, drawing....it's gross how many things she can do well).
As time invariably passed, the cocoon of graduate school began to wilt and she started to emerge as the wonderfully talented professional she is today. Nevertheless, her timing was a bit too good and she landed a job before finishing her dissertation, thus requiring her to do double duty for the second half of her final year. Assuming the role of supportive husband, I felt empowered to pick up the slack around the house and, given that I had shadowed her for years in the kitchen, I knew I could keep us afloat for as long as she needed.
Before I knew it, stir-fried soba noodles and zesty eggs Benedict were of my doing and, much like my wife, I felt compelled to capture them on my own iPhone. However, unlike my humble life partner, I am as grand a peacock as you will ever find and my creations were definitely going to be seen. And so began the fun little game of #husbandorwife?
A great many things came out of my social media onslaught of culinary creations, the first of which came from some apt feedback shortly after I got things started. "You can always tell when its Michael because he uses fewer vegetables." Oh really?! We'll just see about that then.
With a steady influx of fruits and vegetables in the mix, not only were our meals fresh and diverse, but I also noticed a steady shrinking of my waste line. Who knew a simple piece of wisdom, having color in your meals, could have such an impact? This was an enormous benefit considering that I have always had body issues and, now in my 30s, assumed my waist would only get bigger. Moreover, my wife and I have come to appreciate the value of making our own meals, which was recently affirmed in an episode of "Cooked" on Netflix. A commentary on this can be found here.
With more and more meals banked, I began to see my life and my marriage in #husbandorwife, and oftentimes #teameffort, terms. Grocery shopping, laundry, taxes, yard work, washing dishes, etc. are all core "adulting" responsibilities. While not necessarily excellent fodder for social media, they still need to be done and hopefully done as well and as consistently as one eats healthy and balanced meals. With this in mind, I came to realize that #husbandorwife held a piece of wisdom about life and a successful partnership that is much more profound than one would imagine from a simple game:
There should be no certainty in gender roles, but if there must be, let it be certainty of teamwork.
In an effort to clarify this concept a bit better, ponder these questions in terms of certainty and teamwork:
Who is the breadwinner?
Who takes care of the children?
Who handles the finances?
Who makes the decisions?
Here it is once again:
There should be no certainty in gender roles, but if there must be, let it be certainty of teamwork.
Since meeting my wife, more and more of my social circle is comprised of women and my career path of medical communications is predominantly women (~75%). With these personal and professional distinctions in mind, I have (intentionally or unintentionally) become somewhat of a male feminist. Through this process, I have been made aware of (and devoted considerable thought to) some of the challenges women face, gender equality being one of them. And during this social adaptation, it has become abundantly clear to me that one voice in the gender equality conversation is missing, a man's.
Let's start simple, when it comes to issues specific to men, a man is probably the best voice. What it means to be a man, how to be a good father, how to treat women...many of these things cannot be effectively communicated by a woman. Don't believe me? How many core female issues can be adequately taught by men? It isn't about the communicator or the message, but rather the audience and when it comes to men, we like to hear from one of our own. I suspect women are the same on plenty of other topics. And suspending gender altogether, this concept is the bedrock of things like Weight Watchers and Alcoholics Anonymous (AA); we need to hear from fellow sufferers. Only they understand what it is like to be us.
Another aspect of the conversation is the idea that men are action oriented creatures. Little boys like cars, trucks and trains because they do something and men like action movies and sports because stuff is constantly happening. This predilection may also explain why men are oftentimes very impatient; we can't sit, wait, ponder, and think....we want to do!
Why is this relevant? Well unfortunately for men, the 21st century continues a trend of tremendous change and in addition to the challenge of understanding and co-evolving with the modern woman, men are faced with the steady disappearance of action oriented tasks, which invariably impacts how they see themselves. Thinking in the most basic terms, males have largely connected their feelings of worth and confidence to action oriented behavior (eg, hunting food thousands of years ago to breadwinning today). With this in mind, consider how many male dominated roles of the last 100 years (eg, farmers, factory works, miners, transportation, builders, sailors, soldiers) have been impacted by technology, rendering many of them obsolete or tremendously devalued.
Moreover, with the overindulgence of technology, many action oriented activities and hobbies (eg, house work, recreational sports, home improvement) are neglected or outsourced. We simply sit while someone or something else does. In another 100 years, what will be the action oriented behavior men can rely on to fortify their confidence? What will technology leave them with? What's worse is that in the absence of these task oriented actions, men seek validation elsewhere, which may be why they gravitate towards things like sports and video games, even well into adulthood. Their lack of physical action has been replaced by living vicariously through professional athletes or successfully navigating fictitious environments. Moreover, these habits are often tied to troubling co-morbidities like being sedentary, poor diet, drinking, and gambling.
I could continue this line of dialog ad nauseam, but the critical message is that men think in terms of action and thus need actionable recommendations. Relating this back to #husbandorwife, the primary messages are: 1) no role in the home (or anywhere else really) is solely dedicated to a man or a woman; 2) there are action oriented things men can do and gain validation from, they just need to believe that they have value. A healthy meal, clean dishes, well behaved children, a well kept house....all of these things should engender pride in men because they themselves can/should be part of the process and benefit from the outputs. Michael Kimmel gave a great TED Talk on the subject and provides a compelling argument for the benefits of gender equality, specifically the benefits TO MEN.
I started #husbandorwife because I wanted to "be the change you want to see in the world" (Ghandi). The path to gender equality will require change for both sexes and one solution will be for men to re-think what it means to be a man, or perhaps just a human being.
More and more jobs these days can and should be occupied by women, which means more and more men should feel comfortable (and possibly even satisfied) taking on responsibilities historically left to women. I often tell my wife that I would make a kick ass house husband because there are so many things to do, we as men just need to embrace them (ie, realize they're cool).
just my thoughts
match unleaded, PhD
