Its funny, I saw this movie, Renaissance Man, with Danny Devito and in the movie one of the characters says, "he who increases knowledge, increases sorrow". This is a biblical quote from Ecclesiastes 1:18, and as I have gotten older I have realized how very true it is.
The World Sucks
I suppose the easiest way to start things is by looking at the world through an educated person's mind. An educated person usually is out to find a place for themselves. They want to do something that is unique, something that only they can offer. Maybe they are successful, maybe they aren't but the goal is still the same.
However, in order to achieve this, you have to be able to detect weakness, you have to be able to look at your environment and see where it could be improved, hopefully by you. Now this is great if you are a scientist, like myself, because you can look at the research that has been done and you can look for answers that have yet to be uncovered. The more skeptical and picky you are, the better your science will be because it will be difficult to dispute.
The problem comes when you are off the clock, or simply thinking about anything else besides your work. Those same gears that you apply to your work are automatically applied to everything else in your life. Maybe you don't have the motivation to correct weakness in everything around you, but that doesn't mean you don't pick up on it. This is where being intelligent sucks. I think that I am more intelligent than your average person and I can say that while it is nice to be able to think critically, it gets to be burden. Once cannot help but see weakness everywhere and what's worse is for the most part there isn't a whole lot you can do about it.
Gas prices, inflation, politics, crime, etc.. The smarter you are the more you realize that a lot of these things are extremely complicated and the more you know the more you realize how feudal they can be. This can come as a major source of frustration, because in the work place all you do is think about ways of solving problems so when you get to one you cannot solve, it becomes such a conflicting experience.
In addition, you're mind begins to turn on you. For less academic people, just "letting it go" or "getting past it" is easy. You just don't think about it. However, for me, thinking is all I do. It is what I am good at. I refuse to "let things go" because in the work place, it is my job to think it out and giving up is quitting and I just can't do it.
Insanity
After a few years of grad school, I have begun to sympathize with John Nash, the dude from Beautiful Mind. I feel like most people can't understand his situation, not because they aren't smart but because their livelihood does not revolve around thinking. For a lot of people their job is "to do". Sell something, teach something, manage something. However, for academic people, it is purely to think. Focus on a problem and figure out the most intelligent way of solving it. This may seem like the way to go, but it can be hell.
In addition to the frustration I mentioned previously, when thinking critically about work, it is difficult to not think about life in the same way. This is where I think Obsessive Compulsive Disorder comes from. When I think critically, I think of the best way to do something. Now for somethings, doing it the most intelligent way is useful, say picking a house or job. However, for other things, simply making a choice is all that is necessary. Like with what food to eat or what to wear. For all intents and purposes, it doesn't matter all that much but for me it is sometimes difficult to NOT over analyze, because that is what I get paid to do. I have think each choice out carefully which can irritate those around me or potentially freeze my activity which is not a good thing.
Distractions also pose a huge problem with very intelligent people. Telephones, other people, anything that disrupts your train of thought can be extremely agitating. For me, as I develop mentally, I tend to forget where to draw the line with what is or is not important. I find myself getting all worked up over very dumb things, simply because they don't work out the way I want or they detract me from something I want. I suppose this is more or less a second level of immaturity and I have begun to understand that. Recently I have been dating a woman who has a regular job with regular problems and her difficulties with her bosses are not unlike most other people. However, as I have spent time with her, her work issues (which she gets over quickly) frustrate me so much. She has to deal with so much inconsistency, contradictions, and hypocrisy and it drives me fucking crazy. Sometimes I wish I could just forget about it.
I suppose my biggest fear is going insane. My mind is so powerful that in reality it could take over my body. I feel like I can think my way through anything and when I cannot I get so incredibly frustrated. If there is some outside variable which I cannot control, say the weather, or another person, or a child, and it does not respond the way I want, I lose it. I like to think things through completely and when they don't pan out, I don't understand and I feel dumb. I shouldn't feel this way because there will always be things outside my control, but when those situations come, yikes. I suppose I fear that the more they pile up or the more I come across them, I will have to come to a simple choice. Fixate on it, or let it go. As I have gotten older I have learned to let somethings go, but being a grad student has also made me impatient in different ways. I spend so much time focusing on my own life (because I have to or i'll fail out) that it is hard for me to relate to others sometimes, or even be patient with them. When they do not see things the way I do or they respond to me in a way I cannot rationalize, I get angry. I wish I didn't but I do. If I didn't, I would not have made it this far in my academic life.
Sports
As an athlete and now a writer, I have also come to realize that in sports, like everything else, ignorance is bliss. Take a professional athlete like Kobe, or Lebron, or David Ortiz. Lets say they hit a game winning shot or homerun. The crowd goes wild, the reporter shoves a microphone in their face and what kind of answer do you get? "I got an open look and took it" or "I got a pitch to hit". Usually the reporter is aiming for some kind of emotional response to give to his/her readers but in reality, these athletes are not perceiving the game the way the fans are. They just don't think about the pressure. This is a skill I wish I had. I play a sport and when I do, I want to play it the best way I can. However, I cannot help but think that some of my mistakes come simply because my head got in the way. Coaches tell their players "don't think, just execute" and this makes sense. As athletes (and even soldiers) we are more or less trying to be machines. We are trying to do something the way we have a million times, without screwing up, just the way a machine would. Thinking is not required and therefore only acts as a distraction and a potential problem.
This is where I struggle. If there is pressure, I feel it. My analytical mind plays scenarios in my head. What could go right, what could wrong., how much is at stake, the works. This is dangerous thinking, but it is who I am. Its like being tall. Yes, it is awesome to be tall when you are playing sports, or meeting women, but when you are traveling it sucks ass. You can't pick and chose when you are tall however, and are stuck with the cards you've been dealt. Likewise with my brain, i am stuck thinking about everything in its entirety. Sometimes, I wish I didn't but hey, I don't get to make that choice.
The Solution
In my opinion the solution comes with a compliment. Finding a mate that fits his/her strengths/weaknesses with another's strengths/weaknesses is ideal. I find it hilarious when people talk about what every guy wants or what every girl wants because it is such a ridiculous statement. For starters, it doesn't matter what everyone else wants, it matters, what I want. And secondly, everyone is SO different that they must want different things, right?
In any event, I have come to realize that I want a secretary. I need a woman that can help me navigate my bullshit. Some people would assume I want to date a scientist like myself and I could not disagree more. I don't want to date someone like me, I am crazy. I need a sane person to keep me in check. To ease my mental strain when life throws me curve balls. Yes I am smart, dependable, and entertaining, but the little things give me so much trouble. People say Einstein couldn't tie his shoes or didn't know his address, and I can understand why. For someone who thinks for a living, a lot of these things become meaningless because everyone knows them or everyone can do them. What makes a scientist valuable is their ability to be unique. However, the problem comes in those inopportune moments when you need to know those mundane details and that is when your perfect mate really reveals his/her worth. I am lucky to have a person that does this for me and I can imagine that as I emerge from Yale and go forward in life as a thinker, I will need her more and more. I love her very much and thank god she's asian.
just my thoughts
match unleaded
3 comments:
Hey- with regards to the specific situation of being on the field, a book that I've been reading lately has given some really interesting perspectives on "thinking too much"... it's called "The Inner Game of Tennis", by Timothy Galleway. I think you'll like it.
"For less academic people, just "letting it go" or "getting past it" is easy. You just don't think about it. However, for me, thinking is all I do. It is what I am good at. I refuse to "let things go" because in the work place, it is my job to think it out and giving up is quitting and I just can't do it."
How do you know that letting it go or getting past it is easy for the less educated? The frustration to see the entirety of a problem could make the less educated less likely to express their views because of the worry of being "incorrect" in front of the "well-educated". My mother for instance, not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I know she worries about shit and dwells on shit much more than I do. If anything my education and understanding of history helps me realize when it is fruitless to worry about certain issues. Time is precious.
I also think its a fundamental difference between academia and engineering. We are both thinkers, both looking for the best solution to some very hard problems. But for engineers, our biggest challenge is knowing when its time to stop thinking about an issue. I could try and reason out and understand the best solution to a problem, or I could realize that the time needed to do that would be better spent in just experimenting with each hypothesized solution.
In the end, I don't need to justify why it works, but how it works. You in academia I assume, have to justify why you chose your solution. Thus think away little match, but I think you should give the less educated a little more credit.
"Ignorance is bliss" is too simple. Being educated and understanding all sides of the issue, and then being able to be comfortable without a clear solution to a problem might be a better answer.
And a truly last thing... thinking is all I do too, but sometimes just thinking about loved ones and the simple things in life is enough.
I suppose its hard to comment on a perspective I don't have. I can only comment on what I think and I can only speculate about those folks that are not like me.
Both my girlfriend and my brother are good examples. Neither one is particularly academic yet they both have the ability to avoid "dwelling" and I do not. When i am strapped with a problem I cannot rest until it is solved.
I suppose in the end it comes down to how you are wired and I think, based on probability, folks that think a ton have a higher chance of having this problem, but then again, I could be wrong.
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