Where does confidence come from?

I have always wanted to write something like this because like so many young males out there, I was not accepted, I was not well liked by women, I was picked on, and I was anything but confident well into my late teens and into my early twenties. Like most aspects of my life, I have been a late bloomer and now that I am 25 I could not be happier with my life and I have learned a few things that would have been nice to know a decade ago.

Figure out what you like
This is something that everyone in the world will try and “help” you with but it really must come from inside. As a person matures from an awkward pre-adolescent into a young adult everything from women to sports to video games, music, movies, food, the works will be presented to you.

Depending on how effectively they are articulated or advertised, you will perceive them differently. Maybe you have a phenomenal English teacher and he/she conveys the subject so beautifully that you decide to follow it for the rest of your life or maybe you get force fed sweet potatoes when you were a kid and now you hate them. Regardless, all the experiences you have, positive and negative, shape what you like and hopefully there are more likes than dislikes.

In any event, it is really important to realize what these tendencies are and equally important to put them to good use. Perhaps you have that one T-shirt or pair of pants that just fits you well or that you just like to sport. I am extremely self-conscious about my body but I have those select clothing items that I know I can pull off. I am also a person that cares a lot about symbolism. A T-short may seem meaningless to one person, but that article could be something that was passed down to me from a mentor or close friend that I wear it in remembrance and pride.

In any event, the point I am getting at is to figure out what you like. This is very different from convincing yourself you like something. This is where this action gets tricky. Forget what you see on TV, forget what your friends tell you is cool or not, forget what everyone else is telling you to like and just go with what YOU like.

This is something that I think women do very well and men not so much. I believe that women routinely know what they want and that is why they like to do things like shop and go for jewelry. They know what they want and they go for it. Perhaps this entirely superficial but hopefully it has some merit.  However, men have a tougher time. Men are functional. They like what works and what they need, but what they like? A clothing item, a kind of car, food, etc..? Usually men are fairly ambivalent. If not, good for you, but I think a lot of men are.

In any event, may be you don’t know what you like, but you must know what makes you feel good, what makes you feel comfortable. For whatever reason you like something. Recently, my wallet fell apart and I needed to get a new one. I thought about all those wallets that I could get, the black leather tri fold or whatever, but I realized that I have always thought that the magic fold wallets were soo bad ass. The way they fold, it’s just cool. Maybe it isn’t the most functional thing in the world, maybe it doesn’t hold all that much, but it’s what I like.

I went on ebay and I purchased it. When it arrived I had a smile from ear to ear and it still shows up whenever I think about what is sitting in my back pocket. I hope most of you have had this feeling, the knowledge of knowing/having what you want. It doesn’t matter what it is or why, it just matters that you know what it is. It is even better if you cannot describe why you like it, because then it is a true expression of positive emotion, things that we have no control over.

And lastly, you can’t really control what you like so best stop trying. It is extremely important to try new things so that you can be exposed to a lot but I feel like a lot of people try to convince themselves of what they want. The right hair cut, the right clothing line, the right car. But when/if they get it, they sport it incessantly because they are insecure. They want to show how much they like it, when in reality they are just trying to convince themselves.

Confidence – What Women Want
Ever wonder how guys that appear average get really hot women? Confidence. Women like confidence and there is nothing like a man who knows where he is going in life. But where does this come from? That’s right, knowing what you.

If you live a life surrounded by things you like and things that make you comfortable, you are secure. You know that you are encapsulated in your own unique environment, one that you have developed after years of life experience. Maybe it’s a certain kind of art or furniture or clothing or whatever. The kookier the better, women love what is weird and intricate about a man. It makes them interesting and most of all, desirable.

What does this translate into? Once a person is comfortable with their surroundings, ie what they like/want, you cannot help but be comfortable in your actions and your opinions. This may come off as being a dick (the age old strategy guys try and implement) but this is actually confidence.

This kind of confidence is easily seen with resistance to conventional ideas. Say there is something very popular that you have always been uncomfortable with. Maybe a movie or a location, maybe a subject or an idea, maybe a clothing style or trend. I’ll use white women as an example.

Everybody thinks every guy wants the cheerleader with the perfect body. A Jessica Simpson or Katie Holmes. Yuck! Not me. White women have such a big flaw and that is a sense of entitlement. They want the ring, the house, the perfect wedding, just because they are a live.  I like my asians and they appreciate the value of work and are happy with what they have.  No expectations, awesome.

And another thing, people think the enlightened man wants a smart sophisticated woman with strong career goals and what not. Not me. I want a secretary. I want a woman that is a woman. I like gender roles and whether women want to admit this or not, they want gender roles too. I am driven and career oriented, I don’t want my significant other to be as well. How would we figure out where to live?  Men and women were not meant to be parallel they were meant to compliment one another and I want a woman that takes care of me in ways I can’t take care of myself and vice versa. In any event this is something I get shit for because it goes against convention but I don’t care. It’s what I want, it’s what I like and it gives me confidence.

So with that in mind, go with what you like. Maybe it is something really against the grain but the weirder the better. If you are insecure about something you like or prefer, odds are it is confidence waiting in the winds. If you like Star Trek or the Golden Girls. If you like Michael Jackson (which I do) you should be proud because it is something you know you like.

Yes there are going to be people that knock you for your opinion but they only do it because they are insecure about their own. Seeing someone else happy is such a scary thing, especially if you are not happy yourself. This is where bullies come into play. When I was a kid I was bullied a lot because I was very different from everyone else. I talked to myself, I didn’t hate the social outcasts and I didn’t like the popular folks. People tried to bring me down, and for a long time, it worked.

However, now that I am older, I have realized that the “Fuck’em” advice, really is very good. People want to bring you down because misery loves company and despite the fact that it is scary to be all alone in your opinions, in the end, it’s worth it. I have been tossed around and fucked with my whole life but it has taught me that no one is going to make me happy but myself. You can rely on people for some things but emotional stability, security and confidence come from within. I feel so bad for those people that are lost in their own insecurities. They seem to be terrified of suffering, especially women that need a man to be happy. I feel like this sort of insecurity really brings about troubled marriages and adult problems that could have been avoided if people made better decisions when it comes to what they really want and need. I suppose I write this because I want everyone out there to be as happy as I am. Maybe you think I am full of shit and if so, great, I hope your life strategy works out well for you. I’m doing ok over here.

just my thoughts

match unleaded

Iraq - The New Vietnam

So this is a topic that is extremely controversial as well as redundant in a lot of ways. I think most of the observations I will make are relatively obvious and common place but I want to discuss it anyway.

Terrorism - Bush's Communism

So the first thing that makes Iraq so analogous to Vietnam is the overlying fear associated with the region. During the Cold War everyone feared Communism and if you were even suspected of being a red sympathizer you were shunned, especially if you held public office. More of the same with terrorism now a days. Because of the Arab association with terrorism, the labeling and prejudice against this demographic has been wide spread and, for all intents and purposes, been ignored by the unaffected parties.

In the case of Vietnam, it seemed that the main fear was the association of China with Vietnam and the idea that if Vietnam feel, it would inspire a domino affect that would spread communism throughout the the Eastern World and eventually result in an anti-capitalistic conglomerate that the US and Western Europe could not handle. In the case of Iraq, it appears that insurgents are the main issue and Iran is the background country that the US fears the most, not unlike China during Vietnam. However, rather than face the actual enemy (which I do not suggest we do) we go head first into a region we are not prepared to fight with, which brings me to my next point.

Urban Warfare - The New Canopy Jungle

It seems like with any warfare involving an army that is from a distant country, success is pretty minimal. Rather than fight using conventional warfare as we would like, ie weapons used for large scale warfare between super powers, we are stuck with expensive weapons that are ineffective against guerrillas and faceless enemies. By ineffective I do not mean that they do not offer major destructive power, but rather they are not useful in deterring enemy attack.

What makes matters significantly worse is that rather than adopt analogous means of fighting, we seem to push our accustomed tools like tanks and missiles. It seems like in this case, we are using weapons that are not effective because they do not fight the enemy directly. More often than not, civilian casualties are a result, despite some possible gain against the enemy. In my opinion, the issue here is very similar to Vietnam in the sense that in the 60's we were up against VC hiding in fox holes and jungles and despite our vastly superior resources, were unable to effectively deter our opponent. Much is the case here. A great line from Ho Chi Minh was "you will kill 10 our men, and we will kill only 1 of yours and in the end it will be you who will tire of it" and this is definitely the case here. Almost always, the most fundamental group usually wins in these kinds of battles because the losses they feel are insignificant relative to what they feel they have to gain.

In the case of insurgents, they are fully to prepared to die, suicide bomb, etc.. for their cause and that is an operating system, we as the US have no answer for. For them, the ends justify the means and the US policy with respect to this is usually the opposite. This raises 2 potential options. Fight fire with fire, meaning utilize the necessary means to render a victory which could mean outsourcing to the Israelis because of their experience in similar war fare. This is a very controversial issue because it would possibly provoke other Islamic nations to intervene which is something the US does not want for a variety of reasons. Second, all out nuclear annihilation of the country, one of those, "the only way to save them is to kill them" which no one wants but as far as warfare goes, it is an effective solution, which brings me to my next point.

Iraq - Political WWII

It seems that the politicians are in control of this war, not unlike Vietnam. The justification of the US in Iraq is a function of opinion and belief and because the US is so married to history and oil, we are absolutely terrified of letting the region go. Much like Vietnam, the US government intervenes in a region that is hostile towards help and at the end of the day, the people that lose are the US soldiers and the Iraqi civilians. Similar to innocent people that were killed out of frustration and ignorance in Vietnam, civilians in Iraq are pushed aside and marginalized because they cannot be differentiated from the enemy. This is something that the US has never utilized in warfare and it is a tough tactic to beat. The enemy knows the gold hearted nature of the West and challenges their stomach in these situations. Making the line between enemy and civilian fuzzy is to their advantage.

It is my belief that to succeed in Iraq you have to either hand over responsibility to a militant body that can actually succeed in the region, ie Israel, or take the necessary steps to put down the threat via suspect war practice and brutality. Neither one is something the US is willing to do but the bottom line is that to succeed in war, you have to do what your opponent can't/won't and the US will not do either. Fighting a war like this is like fighting an infection half-assed. When given an antibiotic prescription, it is stressed that you take every pill because if you do not, you end up with a relapse bacteria that is now resistant to the antibiotic. Without completely wiping out your opponent whatever the cost, you cannot win and it seems that with a political war, there are degrees of victory when in reality it is win or lose.

I believe that in the case of WWII we had the motivation to carry out our task to completion and nuking Japan was not necessarily justified, but we had an argument for such an extreme tactic and we were victorious. In the case of Vietnam and Iraq, we do not have such a clear opponent or moral reasoning for being in the area, because most of our government is concerned with keeping allies and our economy. This doesn't mean that we are weak, but it does mean that we don't belong in a war. People do not like being "occupied" and things never seem to work out despite the over bearings power's ability to rationalize with their homeland population and other major nations. In addition, once again like Vietnam, we are actively fighting group we do not care to understand and such an over sight drastically reduces our capability for success

Islam is the most misunderstood/represented religion out there and so much of our efforts are out to defeat an opponent we wish was us. Fighting a war is like sports. Every NFL head coach watches film of their opponents because their defense needs to know how to handle a different offensive strategy. If you only know how to stop your own offense, success against a different game plan is limited. Most of our ideas about Islam are routed in fear, not unlike our feelings towards communism during the Cold War and once again, rather than try and understand our opponent, we have simply decided to fight them our way. Hiring Iraqi ex-patriots, teaching Arabic to soldiers, or just taking a more cerebral route to this whole endeavor seems like a much better option. However, the end result of intense mental effort in this case is basically to just get out of Iraq which leads me to my next point.

Changing of the Guards - No one kill Obama, PLEASE!!

The election this year doesn't exactly follow the timing of Vietnam but it does have certain similarities. Check out this clip from JFK, it's awesome. Sums up the "how's" and "why's" a government would want to kill JFK for getting out of Vietnam. Barrack Obama is clearly the favorite to win both the democratic nomination and the presidential election this year and because he has new ideas and a new mind set about Iraq (relative to the current administration) he is definitely a threat to the "Industrial Military Complex". For this reason, Barrack definitely draws parallels to JFK. He is young, idealistic, and committed to ideas that conflict with the old. I think he is the future of this country because he challenges our assumptions and that is something we need.

Under the current administration we have feared our oil dependency, and with good reason, but they have done nothing about it. It took a failed presidential candidate to make something like An Inconvenient Truth and rising green minded lobbies to induce car companies to produce hybrid cars to keep us from slipping into scare tactics and efforts in the Middle East. We are a nation that has landed on the moon, successfully transplanted organs, sent radio controlled robots to Mars, and developed into the World's strongest nation in less than 200 years. Is it possible that oil is something we cannot live without? Are we completely incapable of utilizing things like wind, solar, hydroelectric or other energy sources to the same degree as oil? It is a bitch that infrastructure has such a lobby in these instances and it is a shame that our government is run by people with self interests. I sincerely believe that Obama can and will change things and restore the patriotism in this country. The feelings this nation had on 9/11 are more or less the same our parents had on 11/22/63. Fear, shame and the government left to lead us did not act in our best interests. They used fear to rob us of our pride and rather than rally us the way FDR did after Pearl Harbor, we have spent the last 7 years seeing our prosperity dwindled in the wind.

Closing Thoughts

It is my belief that the US is capable of returning to glory and this will happen with a new president. When Bush was elected in 2000, I remember thinking to myself "Bush, Gore, what's the difference" and 8 years later I know. I think we will see great things from our next president and being a scientist, my main focus will be on a transition in spending from defense back to domestic concerns like the NIH.

To sum up my Iraq discussion, it seems like democracy is the new Christianity. The last few years we have seen forceful insurgence into a sovereign nation for the purpose of saving the locals from themselves. This seems to be the same rationale as missionaries spreading the teachings of Jesus to natives from Africa to North America but like religion, certain kinds of government are not for everyone. These two institutions have the same goal in mind, keep people under control, and despite our love for the 10 commandments, Jesus, Charleton Heston movies, the electoral process, and the US Constitution, democracy and Chrisianity aren't for everybody. Different strokes for different folks and while I do believe some practices in this world are egregious, there are some things we as a nation cannot fix. Like Vietnam, we cannot win in Iraq and sooner or later, we are going to have to think about what is best for the US and rather than make the same mistakes again, it is in our interest to do what we should have done in the early 60's. Rather than drag out Iraq the way we did Vietnam, we should just cut our losses and our government should start paying attention to the people they represent, Americans.

just my thoughts

match unleaded

Why I don't want to be rich

It seems like a lot of folks out there want to make a ton of money and some actually get their wish. However, for people in my field (science) making a ton of money is a tough pull but I am not really upset about that fact. I would rather not make a ton of money and here is why.

Money - A Stable Medium Human Beings Can't Handle

It is my belief that human beings have not evolved to be able to handle money. I am a big fan of justifying things with an evolutionary basis, so I am going to continue that here. Take your run of the mill animal out there, say a bird. The tasks of a bird are relatively limited, eat, breed, and stay alive as long as possible so you can continue to breed. This is more or less the operating system of every animal on the planet, including humans. Now what is cool about animals, and what sucks about people, is that there is no such thing as excess. Animals (and probably plants) live in such a state of equilibrium with the world that they only get exactly what they need. Have you ever seen an over weight wild animal? No way, they hunt/scavenge/graze/etc.. and ingest only enough food for their survival. When they are satiated, they stop and go look for a mate or take a much needed nap.

Now lets look at humans. Unlike the rest of the animal kingdom, we have this thing called money. Money is basically a stable medium that enables us to obtain goods and services at a time of our choosing. Rather than have to go meal to meal we can put a few bills in our wallet and save them for when we are hungry and stop off at deli when the time is right. Don't get me wrong, money is a good thing because it allows us to focus on other topics which has allowed for our mental development. However, people in this world, namely Americans, have developed a poor relationship with money and are falling into bad habits and behavioral trends. Because Americans now are benefiting from prosperity we didn't earn, we are more or less the lazy son that loafs on the coach in our rich parents living room. We were brought up in the hay day of the red white blue with things like winning WWII and the Cold War, being the dominant super power in the world, economic superiority over the rest of the world, and the Olympic Dream Team. But now, we have no contemporary accolades to showcase and our laziness is a product of us not valuing the dollars that our predecessors established.

Obesity in this country is well over 50% and every American is expected to get fat at some point in their life, especially in their senior years. Why is this the case here and not the rest of the world? Money. Because we have become so wealthy, we are no longer motivated. The passion, the drive, the will to overcome has been replaced with complacency, with comfort, and with impatience. In my opinion, no one does anything simply for the sake of doing it. People have to be motivated, there has to be pressure on them to do what is necessary to succeed. However, because there is so much money in this country the incentive to work hard diminishes because there are so many distractions and easier options.

Now, instead of going to work, you can work from home. Instead of working out, there are a million and one diet pills/plans. Instead of cooking a meal, you can go to McDonalds's or Burger King and you know that once these fast food companies start pushing the same crap they are either going to drop their prices or give you more for your buck. What has that turned into? A sea of people eating gobs and gobs of greasy garbage. If you talk to most foreigners, they'll tell you that one of the most surprising things about Americans is how much they eat. The serving sizes in this country are almost twice the size as they are in other countries and it is no wonder why we are fat, we are stuffing so much food in our mouths. And instead of following that diet with some heavy duty exercise, we sit our asses down on the couch and watch TV, or play video games, or do anything but sweat. Comfort like this is something most people in this world don't have and Americans need to have less of.

Getting back to my evolution argument, human beings have not learned how to live with excess. We do not understand the value of balance and just want to maximize gain in the true capitalistic sense of the word. What does this translate to? We as Americans have become so consumed with wanting to make money to buy stuff that we forget that it should be the other way around. We should strive to work for something and have money be the avenue we use, not work for money so that we can find things to do with it.

Lets say instead of trying to make as much money as possible, someone were to figure out exactly what they want in the world. The right job, live in the right place, find the right mate, maybe have kids, all that crap. Once you know what you want (which most folks do not) then you should set out trying to earn the money to achieve it.

Ok, what's the point Match?

The point I am trying to make is that most people work for money not for what they need it for. They want cash, but have no real idea what to do with it, or they have a general idea but it isn't what they really want, but rather what someone has told them they want.

In the event that they actually make the dough and the family is loaded, what happens? Warped families with distorted priorities, greed, and no real commitment to anything but green. Now I'm not saying that money is bad or that people should not be rich, but a person should not have money just sit, it serves no purpose. Why have a ton of money just sitting around? It only causes problems. The overall point here is that I would only want enough money to get what I want, no more, no less.

I had an interesting conversation a while back when I was visiting some friends in San Diego. I said "You know, ever since I moved to New Haven from San Diego, I really haven't thought about money at all. I don't make all that much but I never think about it and I wonder if making a ton of money is really necessary for a happy lifestyle". My friend replied with a very true and scary statement, "wait till you have a family, then you'll need/want more money". I thought about this for a few seconds and my heart sank because I knew my happiness was fleeting and one day it would be gone. But then I popped up and with a very confident tone I said "Fuck it, then I don't want a family".

This had me thinking some more. People in America are so consumed with things like the perfect career, owning a house, having kids, all that crap. Is it possible that every person out there wants this? My whole life I have never wanted to own a house. Dealing with plumbing and roof leaks, hiring a gardner, equity bull shit, all that crap. Do I really want the head ache? Yes it is a good investment, but who cares. I would rather not worry about shit my whole life and enjoy the time I have on this earth. I don't want to be married to the ground. I want to be free to do and go wherever I want and owning a house seems like such an emotional/physical/mental burden.

This is not to say that people should not buy houses, but don't buy them just because you think you have too. My mom told me once when I was bitching about this and she said "Michael, one day you will buy a house" to which I replied "Really? Says who?". Maybe my mind changes in the next 30 years, but right now, there is nothing I want to do less than buy a house and that hasn't changed in 7 years.

Maybe I am just young and maybe I don't understand the way things work, but this is what I do understand, being happy. A few of my friends have bought houses and they seem miserable, or at least I would be miserable if I were them. They have wives or finances and they basically have no life because they live and die for some wood and dirt. Why deal with that? Maybe if you have a ton of cash and you have to put it somewhere, buy a house, but like I said at the beginning, I have no desire to be rich. I don't need to be. All I need is enough money to get me the things that I want.

Nothing in the world feels better than knowing what you want. Knowing what you want gives you focus, it gives you drive, and it motivates you to do something with yourself. If you are motivated to just make money, you are a shell of a human being. Even if you earn the money, what are you going to do with it? Buying cars and clothes and having the accessories to get the woman/man you want is not going to give you happiness, because you are chasing a fabricated idea. You are working for paper and in the end, it can't buy you happiness. It can only distract you from what you really want.

On the other hand, if you work at something you like (which is another way of saying, doing what you want) then you should have the ability to get what you really want. Granted, maybe a scientist like me won't get a mansion and a porche, but I don't really want that. All I want is to be happy. I want an asian woman by my side (love'em) and I want to do cool shit. Travel the world, have job satisfaction, earn my way through a great career etc...

Things like children, houses, country clubs, etc.. are manifested goals that are pushed on us by people that chose something and want us to follow the same path. It's just like religion. If everyone is buying houses and having kids then I am safe in buying a house and having kids. However, what happens when you are miserable? Money and children have a funny way of putting pressure on a marriage and considering that monogamy is not something human beings are all that great at yet, it's no surprise divorce happens. So you get the family and the house and the money and you aren't happy, what's the deal?

Maybe this is a lifestyle people like but growing up with 6 parents and more divorce than I could shake a stick at has lead me to question the whole family thing. In any event, my goal for the rest of my life is to figure out what I want and try and get it. Life choices are like taste in music or movies or women. Everyone is different. Everyone has a separate set of proclivities and trying to cram everyone into the PTA/home owner mold is pretty bogus.

Bottom line, I don't want to be rich. Having money is not something human beings handle well. People that are rich develop things like greed and even worse, entitlement. There is nothing worse than someone who thinks they deserve something just because they are alive. This is one reason why I don't like white women. They are conditioned to think that just because they are alive that an education, a wedding ring and the perfect family will come there way. BULL SHIT!! I have had to work for everything I have and everyone should be the same. When you work for something, when you struggle, when you get frustrated, you learn what you like and don't like. You learn about what matters and what is superfluous. You learn how to be happy.

When you get what you want, that feeling of satisfaction is so amazing and no one will understand it but you. A smile on your face will be challenged by those around you because they want happiness and they don't like the thought of someone else having it, especially if they don't understand it. Yesterday I drove all the way to Costco just to get a hot dog and a slice of pizza. It was a 15 minute drive for a $4 lunch and to an outsider, this seems to be completely retarded. However, what they would never understand is that this $4 lunch is what I wanted. It is what makes me happy. I will go through the hoops to get what I want and once I ate it, the satisfaction I felt was indescribable.

In the end, all I am really trying to say is that money doesn't get you anywhere. It is nice to have money so that you can buy things and go places but if you really don't want those things in the first place, then don't bother trying to make the money. Figure out what you want first and then go about trying to earn the money to pay for it. I have a few friends that do investment banking in NYC and I have never known someone with such low job satisfaction and contentment. All they do is work and earn money they don't have time to spend and if they get out, they'll have a bunch of green in the bank and have no idea what do with it. Oh and they missed their 20's as well.

In my experience, just do what makes you happy. What you want is not a product of what someone tells you but what you figure out for yourself. Earn your way and your adult years will kick ass. Try and earn money for someone else's wants, and you'll have front row seats to a life of disappointment and faceless frustration.

just my thoughts

match unleaded